Over the past couple of years, I’ve been through more than 200 resumes and taken over 100 interviews. To say that it’s been quite an amusing experience is a major understatement. I thought resumes and interviews are meant to be a means for an interviewer to understand who the candidate is, what is it that they’re looking for when they apply for a job, and what’s the value they can bring to the table for you. Well, what do I know!
It’s like there’s a whole new purpose for a resume and a different language out there that people use . They’re not lying to you, they’re just speaking Resumian, (yep, I coined that word) when they make what appear to you like “tall claims”. Here are some of the examples:
Resumian: “Objective: To work in a challenging and competitive environment where I can make the best use of my ability to enhance my skills and be beneficial to the organization at the same time for mine and the organization’s long-term development.”
English: Basically I don’t know what the hell I want to do in my life, and I have a lot of time on my hands to write crap like that, which I don’t even mean. I don’t particularly expect you to waste your time reading it; it’s just meant to add “depth” to my resume
Resumian: I’m proficient at using MS Office
English: I think MS Office consists only of Word, Excel, and Powerpoint, and all I know about them is that Word is used to prepare documents, Excel is used to work on mathematical stuff, and Powerpoint is used to make presentations.
Resumian: I know about it but it was so long ago that I’m gonna have to brush up my knowledge
English: Haha, I just read that something like this exists in some course in school, but I think you’re so dumb that I’m gonna get away with it.
Resumian: “Knowledge of C, C++, Java” on a resume of a person applying for an Online Marketing profile
English: Now c’mon, you’re into online marketing. What do you care if I really know these languages. They’re just here to fill up space and make me look smarter.
Resumian: “Expert” in some aspect of business like a SWOT analysis etc. on the resume of a candidate with no work experience
English: I have never actually done it. I just learnt about it in school, but no one can possibly expect me to do that in 15 minutes during the interview. So yeah, I’m an expert at it.
Resumian: “Summer Project: Study of the xyz market”
English: I didn’t do a damn thing in my so called study; just copied stuff off the Internet and pasted it in my report. See? That proves I know how to use Google, so I’m perfect for your job.
Resumian: The abovementioned information is true to the best of my knowledge
English: You can’t be serious about this information. I mean, haven’t you read the rest of my resume?
There are possibly a million more examples, but these are the ones that I’ve seen most commonly used. It’s fun learning a new language, isn’t it?